| "The Gang Exploits A Miracle" | |||
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| It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode | |||
| Episode no. | Season 2 Episode 9 |
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| Directed by | Dan Attias | ||
| Production code | 1P02009 | ||
| Original air date | July 27, 2006 | ||
| Episode chronology | |||
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"The Gang Exploits A Miracle" is the fourteenth episode of the American situation comedy series It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia aired on July 27, 2006 on the FX Network in the United States. The episode was directed by Dan Attias and written by Charlie Day, Chris Romano, and Eric Falconer.
Much to the displeasure of Frank, Dennis is attempting to convince Dee that her skin is blotchy. Mac is looking over the receipts and tells Frank that they had better business before he took over. Charlie exits out of the office and asks the rest of the gang about what time they arrived to Paddy’s. He says that he opened the bar, but the gang doesn’t fall for his story. They begin reprimanding Charlie for making the bar his home whenever he feels like it, when it is supposed to be a place of business. Charlie reveals that he found some extensive water damage in the back of the office, which he unsuccessfully uses as an excuse for drinking and then passing out in the bar last night.
Mac enters the office to examine the damage, and comes to the conclusion that the water stain resembles the Virgin Mary. He reminds the gang that he wanted to be Priest in the past, and that this is a miracle. His friends are reluctant to believe him, but Frank says that it could be a miracle or B.S., but one thing he is sure of is that it is a goldmine.
After watching a news segment with Dee where he advertises the bar and falsely takes credit for discovering the stain, Dennis begins nitpicking his appearance on TV. He asks Dee if his faced looked fat in the interview, and she casually says "yes." Frank is busy collecting money, but is disappointed that the visitors who have come to see the miracle are not contributing a lot. Dee tells her father that she doesn’t like this whole situation. Meanwhile, Charlie is standing behind a velvet rope where he lets people enter the office one at time to see the miracle. Mac lets his opinions be known about this whole thing being sacrilegious and how uncomfortable it is making him feel.
A priest named Matthew Mara (David Hornsby) walks into the bar and greets Dee, but she doesn’t remember him. He tells her that they were in physical therapy together in high school. It's still not ringing a bell for her. Matthew says that they were the only two teenagers who attended therapy, but she is still drawing a blank. Dee finally remembers him after he brings up that fact that he was the one who had to wear giant leg braces. As they're complimenting each on how they currently look, the rest of the guys come to greet him. Matthew takes a look at the stain, but he doesn’t really believe that it is a miracle. Dennis then asks him if his face looked fat, and Matthew says "no."
The guys bring up the fact that Matthew’s nickname in high school was "Rickety Cricket," and then they begin to taunt him by making squeaking sounds. They also discuss how Dennis used to tea bag him, which was resting his testicles on Matthew’s chin after he passed out at parties. Then Charlie would take pictures, and the guys would circulate the copies around school. Matthew uncomfortably attempts to leave the bar when Dennis confronts him about pausing before saying "no" to his question.
Frank says that they should get Matthew to bless the stain as an endorsement from the church. Charlie and Dennis say that Dee could probably get him to do it because Matthew had the biggest crush on her in high school. They remember the time that Dee said to Matthew that she would kiss him if he ate a horse turd. He then eats the whole thing, but Dee refuses to kiss him because she says "his breath smells like s**t!" Dee refuses to be involved in their plan. Frank, Charlie, and Dennis goad her into doing it by making fun of her age and appearance.
Dee heads to the church where Matthew is saying goodbye to some parishioners. She asks him he could bless the stain, but he declines. He brings up that she used to be able get him to do things, but this is no longer high school. Dee then mentions that they almost kissed, which causes Matthew to have a flashback of the turd incident. An anxious Matthew reveals that it still haunts him to this day. Dee apologizes to Matthew, and then she begins coming on to him. Uncomfortable with the whole situation, he asks her to leave.
At the bar, Charlie is still collecting money. Mac again makes his protests be known, but changes his mind when one of the visitors asks him for a blessing. He believes that he just helped save this woman’s soul, and he proclaims that this might be his calling. Mac decides to go around blessing people with Charlie as his right hand man. Dee enters the bars, and tells Frank that Matthew is not going to do it. Frank asks his daughter if he said no because she looks old. An annoyed Dee says that she now realizes that Matthew is a good person who had to endure a lot of horrible things in his life, and now she wants to do the right thing.
An emaciated Dennis enters the bar and reveals that he been fasting for three days, and says that he is doing this for religious purposes. Dee tells her brother that the only reason he is doing it, is because he thinks his face is fat. She begins to poke fun at him. Franks says that they now have to go to plan B.
Frank and Dennis head to the home of an elderly former priest named O’Grady (Jack Axelrod) who spends all his time drinking, hallucinating, and screaming about cats being brown. The two prepare to clean up O’Grady so that they can get him into to a Priest’s outfit to do the blessing.
Charlie arrives in an all white suit singing hymns that he created. An annoyed Mac tells him that the white suit clashes with his black outfit. When people begin going to Charlie instead of him, Mac accuses him of betrayal and stealing the spotlight. Mac becomes even more furious when Charlie comes up with the idea of him possibly being the messiah. When Charlie is busy giving one of his sermons, Mac asks him to step into the office. Mac then challenges Charlie to a competition in Bible knowledge.
Dee goes to church where she confesses her love to an uncomfortable Matthew who says that he is now a Priest and it is impossible for him to return her affections. She proclaims that it might be God’s plan for them find each other again and fall in love. He tells her to say 7 Hail Marys.
Mac is reading from the Bible about Moses and the burning bush, and giving a sermon when Charlie chimes in with his twisted interpretation of the passages, which the small bar congregation fully accepts. This infuriates Mac even more.
Frank and Dennis enter Paddy’s with Father O’Grady who once again begins screaming about cats being brown. O’Grady is happy to oblige Mac’s request for a blessing. Mac announces to everyone in the bar that once he is blessed, then he will be able to bless everybody else. Mac lowers his head down in preparation as O’Grady approaches. O’Grady spits in his face, and then does the blessing. Mac screams out in disgust and asks Frank how he could bring such a person into the bar, while Charlie silently gives thanks.
Dennis once again asks Dee if his face is fat. She calls him an idiot for believing her and reveals that she just said yes in retaliation for him saying that her face was blotchy. He asks his sister why she would do such a thing to him, and Dee responds by calling him a "bad person."
Charlie taunts Mac and brags about how this will get him a larger congregation as he grabs the camcorder to tape the blessing. Mac, Frank, and Charlie then go to the office where they discover O’Grady smearing the stain with his urine. Charlie curses O’Grady as all of the believers hurry to the office to see what all the commotion is about. Charlie's disgusted followers accuse him of being a false prophet, and they begin storming out of the bar.
Matthew comes in to reveal that he left the priesthood because he realized this was all part of a divine plan to reconnect with Dee. Frank says yes to Matthew’s request for Dee’s hand in marriage. Dee tells Matthew that he shouldn’t have left, and that he should go back. She felt safe revealing her feelings to him because she wasn’t expecting him to give up being a Priest. He tries to get some clarification about whether Dee really loved him, and she attempts to let him down easily by calling him a "great guy." This garners uncomfortable reactions from Mac and Charlie. Matthew responds by saying that his life is now ruined. Dee tries to assure him that this is not the case, and asks him if it is possible for him to return to the priesthood. He cries out and tells Dee that it doesn’t work that way.
Dennis questions Dee’s accusations that he is bad person out loud before passing out due to malnourishment. Mac asks Matthew if he wants to tea bag Dennis to make himself feel better. Matthew ponders the idea for a second, and nods his head yes. An excited Mac and Charlie then run to get the polaroid camera.